Why We're Always Waiting for Life to Settle Down

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash‍

I have been in the middle of moving houses, which comes with its whole shebang: packing, purging what may no longer be needed, renovations at the new place, coordinating with multiple people to get odd jobs done, settling in, finding help... the list goes on.

With my days being chaotic, I felt I didn't have enough uninterrupted time to properly sit and work. I kept telling myself that once I focused on this and it was all over, I would get my focus back.

While I thought I was being kind to myself by allowing space for what felt more pressing, I realised something yesterday night: it will never really be all over.

Two days ago, I thought everything was done. Then I found a few more things that were still pending.

To be fair, can a house ever be in perfect shape with absolutely nothing left to do? Who was I kidding?

And then I noticed this same unrealistic expectation showing up in other parts of life too.

Joan Tollifson calls this "the compulsion to closure"—our expectation that life is moving towards a point where everything will finally be sorted. (Hattip to Oliver Burkeman.)

A founder I'm coaching, who recently raised a Series B round, was sharing how there's always something occupying their mindspace and creating stress. Some days it's hiring. Other days it's the numbers, operational efficiency, marketing, how the team is scaling, or simply the overwhelm of everything that needs attention.

They said it never seems to end.

That's when I shared that a CXO at a unicorn/IPO-ed startup was still worrying about hiring. There is always another challenge waiting. One can't really hope for permanent resolution.

But to our minds, the lack of resolution feels like a problem that needs solving.

How nice would it be to recognise that the real problem is our expectation that everything will eventually be fully resolved?

That thought may initially feel unsettling. But it can also be incredibly freeing… to let go of the expectation itself. Because then, it no longer feels like a failure or something we haven't been able to crack.

This is true even for smaller things.

So many leaders I coach talk about their overflowing inboxes. They clear them up, only for them to fill up again. The next time you're clearing your inbox, perhaps do it with the intention that you're solving for it for now, not forever.

That simple shift can help us relax in the moment instead of carrying the burden of making sure it stays that way forever.

As for me, I'm consciously reminding myself that all the major things related to my house are done. The remaining items will continue to exist in some shape or form. Waiting to fully return to work only after I have solved all of this through brute force and dedicated time is, in hindsight, a rather foolish expectation.

I'll continue working towards getting those things done, but hopefully with a greater sense of ease than compulsion.

Where in your life can you drop the burden of the compulsion to closure?

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