Why Knowing Better Doesn’t Always Make You Feel Better
I wrote about how our “compulsion to closure” may keep us stuck and not let us focus on the things we want to.
As soon as I wrote in that post, “I’ll continue working towards getting those things done, but hopefully with a greater sense of ease than compulsion,” it was as if the universe wanted to really test me on this.
The same evening I wrote it, some of my furniture arrived. And there were a lot of things that were not according to my expectations.
My mind went berserk.
“Furniture is what really adds colour to the house.”
“If this is wrong, nothing else going right matters.”
…and I continued spiralling through the night. At one point, I was even questioning why I had thought of setting up a new house in the first place. Maybe I should just go and live in an ashram.
The irony was clear. The universe was laughing at me for hoping that one realisation would suddenly make me act maturely.
Even funnier was the fact that I could see what was happening.
There was a wiser Isha, watching what was happening with my emotions and seeing how I was letting the furniture send me into a spiral. She was trying to explain that it didn’t matter that much and/or that it could be fixed.
Meanwhile, worldly Isha was rebelling and protesting like a kid:
“But I wanted it to be right this time itself!”
I remember something similar happening when I was going through my egg-freezing process. My body, high on hormones, was feeling all kinds of emotions, and feeling them so intensely. I felt like crying for no reason.
I knew it was because of the daily doses of hormonal injections, but that knowledge didn’t help me control the emotions.
What this awareness does help with, though, is how I respond when I am feeling those emotions.
Not denying or rejecting what I am feeling, but choosing the “right” response (or at least what feels right to me, because there is no absolute right or wrong).
Source: Britchida on Instagram
One thing that helps me is becoming curious about my needs when I am experiencing uncomfortable emotions.
That curiosity helps bring the wiser Isha back into the picture.
What do I need right now?
What is not being met?
Am I being irrational or falling into the trap of expecting something that may not be possible?
For example, I may want everyone to treat me the way I want them to. It’s a perfectly understandable desire, but also one that is bound to leave me disappointed at times.
The Conscious Leadership Group talks about three core human desires: approval, security, and control. They suggest that many of our other wants are versions of these three basic desires, showing up in different ways.
Approval: The deep wish to be loved, liked, and valued by others.
Security: The basic desire to survive and stay safe.
Control: The urge to have life go the way we want it to.
In the case of the furniture, it was my need for control that wasn’t being met.
The trap was expecting that everything—and everyone—would do things exactly as I expected.
And if you’ve ever dealt with any kind of contractor while setting up a house (painting, carpentry, plumbing, or anything else), you know that’s hardly ever the case.
So, my wish for all of us is that we are able to ride the waves of our emotions without denying them and, somewhere in the middle of those waves, call upon our wiser selves.
Not necessarily to stop feeling what we’re feeling, but to ask:
Given what I’m feeling right now and my needs, how would I like to respond?
If this resonated, you may also like to read a couple of past pieces I’ve written:
If you’re curious about working together, you can learn more about my coaching here.
