Why Good Listeners Still Miss the Point — And How to Stop
My first exposure to mindfulness and spirituality was through Inner Engineering, a course by Sadhguru’s Isha Foundation. The concepts introduced in the course made their point well, but the meditation technique — Shambhavi Mahamudra — didn’t seem to work for me. Or maybe it was working, and I made the same mistake many beginners do (you can read more about that here). Either way, I didn’t continue with it.
Later, I discovered Vipassana meditation — and it just stuck. Nearly six years later, I still practice it regularly. It resonated so deeply that over time, I found myself resisting other approaches. Even during a residential yoga teacher training at an ashram, I rebelled against their meditation technique for the entire month, choosing to stick with Vipassana.
About two years ago, I came across a meditation app called Waking Up, created by Sam Harris — who, interestingly, is also a Vipassana practitioner. I eagerly downloaded it, curious to explore. But since I was used to silent meditations and not guided ones, I quickly dropped it — despite the powerful concepts he introduces in the introductory course.
You get the drift: I love Vipassana. So why am I sharing all this?
Because something shifted recently.
I read about another app — The Way — and felt curious. This time, the story in my head wasn’t “this must be better than Vipassana,” but “maybe this could be helpful for clients who don’t resonate with Vipassana.” So I gave it a shot.
As I sat through its first guided meditation, I came face-to-face with something I often talk about with my clients:
We are almost always listening with an agenda.
I realised I was constantly comparing every modality to Vipassana. And how one underwhelming experience years ago — with Inner Engineering (or was it?) — had shaped all my future choices, potentially closing me off from practices that could have enriched my journey.
This happens all the time when ideas or thoughts are exchanged — whether in conversation, reading, or learning. We absorb information through certain mental filters:
Am I right or wrong?
What’s in it for me?
What’s the problem?
What could be the solution?
Almost never are we just listening to what something or someone has to offer.
When it comes to relationships — even professional ones — the underlying intent behind many of our actions is to look good or avoid looking bad. That’s also the lens through which we often listen. Even when receiving constructive feedback, the way we hear it can depend on whether we’re trying to appear high-performing, or as someone with a growth mindset.
We’re rarely listening without a story running in our heads.
There are three parts to every conversation or exchange of ideas:
What’s actually being said — the facts or unarguable truths that no one can deny.
Your story about what’s being said.
The other person’s story about what’s being said.
It’s those stories — shaped by our personalities and life experiences — that color how we judge, respond, or decide what to do next.
As a leader, there’s often an expectation to drive the narrative. But it’s just as important to pause now and then, and ask yourself:
Am I discarding something valuable because of a story in my head?
Am I still letting a past experience drive my future choices?
This is even more important in relationships you care about.
So here’s my invitation to you:
In at least one conversation today, can you try setting your story aside and ask yourself:
What’s the story in the other person’s head?
What judgments might I be making that aren’t necessary right now?
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