The Paradox of Self-Improvement

Photo by Lucas Chizzali on Unsplash

In a group coaching session, we were discussing the topic of mindfulness — specifically, from the lens of non-judgmental awareness, as outlined in a pre-read material. And, like many times before, one of the participants raised a common question:

How will we improve or grow if we’re simply okay with what is?

The word “grow” originates from a meaning of “to increase.” The word “improve” traces back to “to make a profit” or “to increase the value of.” At the core of both is an underlying assumption: that the current state — of who we are, what we have, or how things are — isn’t enough.

In today’s world, a growth mindset has become a key marker of success. And rightly so! But it’s worth pausing to consider the sentiment beneath it.

True growth doesn’t come from a sense of lack.
Not from rejecting who you are in this moment.
Not from the fear that contentment will make you complacent.
Not from a belief that unless you’re constantly working on yourself, you’ll fall behind or fail.

Instead, it comes from openness and curiosity.
From acceptance of where you are — right now.

From confidence in yourself and your ability to manage whatever is thrown at you.
From not rejecting the present moment.

That’s why, in the early stages of working with a client — even when we begin with their goals or agendas, like “getting better” at something, or starting/stopping a behavior — I gently nudge them toward mindfulness. Not necessarily sitting meditation, but non-judgmental awareness and deep listening to themselves.

How we arrive at this awareness varies with each client’s unique journey. But the core work is helping them become the most real version of themselves.

“We can’t imagine our lives without the wish to improve them, without the progress myths that inform so much of what we do and want. We don’t tend to think of ourselves as wanting to be what we already are… As though it is the better future that makes our lives worth living; as though it is hope that we most want.”
 — Adam Phillips, On Getting Better

This may sound counterintuitive or even scary. But let me offer a small personal example:
Whenever I’ve procrastinated on something for a while, the moment I truly give myself permission not to do it — without guilt — I often find a natural flow return. I end up doing it with much more ease, and far less effort.

Similarly, when we pause and accept ourselves and our situation as it is, we create the conditions for flow. Growth and change still happen — but they emerge from a place of expansiveness and ease.

And here’s the paradox: that also means there’s no resistance even when nothing changes.

Acceptance sows the seeds of change.
And often, change unfolds without any deliberate effort.

(A word of caution: Trying to go with the flow because you want to change is still striving. It’s a subtle form of control.)

If you’ve ever read the same book twice in a short span, you’ve probably noticed something: your attention lingers on different lines the second time, or familiar ideas land differently. Even without trying or striving, the act of reading changes you.

It’s true — you can’t step into the same river twice.
It’s never the same river.
And you’re never the same you.

So, can we trust the process and motion of life?

My invitation to you is this:
Rather than focusing on how to grow, become curious about how you can come home to yourself — to the version of you that existed before the world told you who you should be.

Start small:
Where am I striving or forcing, when what I really need is presence and slowing down?

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