The Illusion of Self-Growth
Since 2019, I’ve developed a deep liking for solo travel.
I had done a few short 2–3 day solo trips even before that, but things changed after 2019. I experienced longer solo travels, week-long (or more), and something shifted.
There was a different kind of freedom in it.
The freedom to do what I want, when I want. To skip the touristy stuff if I didn’t feel like it. To eat and sleep whenever (and however much) I wanted. To not feel obligated to be chatty when I needed silence.
It started simply. I didn’t want to miss out on travel just because my friends’ schedules didn’t align.
But over time, I began to enjoy it so much that I resisted travelling with others.
This changed last August.
After more than six years, I travelled with my brother and sister-in-law. It felt like a safe bet…they know me, and I could step away if I needed to.
And surprisingly (or maybe not), I had a lot of fun.
That continued when I travelled to Norway with a friend.
We even joked before the trip: what if travelling together spoils our friendship?
The real test came on the return flight.We were both exhausted. We barely spoke.
But we were comfortable being in our own shells, without wondering if something was wrong.
A few days later, I was still intrigued to know what her experience of me was as a travel companion.
Our styles were quite different, and I wasn’t even sure anymore what it meant to be a “good” travel companion.
(She said I passed with flying colours. And we share the kind of honesty where I know she meant it.)
This curiosity reminded me of something:
“If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” - Ram Dass
And I once heard Trevor Noah say he feels like the best boyfriend when he isn’t dating anyone.
In the journey of life, it’s easy to become myopic…so focused on ourselves.
Healing our wounds. Letting go of baggage. Working on ourselves.
And somewhere along the way, we forget to practice all of this in real life. Or even the point of it all.
Unless we are practicing being “better” in relation to others, all the work we’re doing can remain an illusion.
As Tim Ferriss writes inThe Self-Help Trap:
“You can spend your whole life preparing for, instead of playing, the game of life.”
You may be becoming the greatest version of yourself, in isolation.
But that’s a controlled setting.
Real life isn’t.
Only in relationship with others, where you can’t control everything, do you truly begin to see yourself.
I first realised this about two years ago.
A past toxic relationship had slowly led me to stop “playing” in real life. I had begun keeping all personal relationships at a distance, safe enough that they couldn’t affect me deeply.
And then something shifted.
One of my closest friends sent me a picture of her three-month-old daughter in the ER.
I remember feeling an overwhelming wave of pain just looking at it.
I asked her how does she handle even the possibility of something going wrong?
She said that pain comes with an immense kind of love, one she didn’t know she was capable of.
In trying to protect ourselves from hurt and hassles of life,we may also limit our capacity for love, joy and growth.
I’ve often believed that leadership is a path to inner growth.
As a leader, you move towards a mission but you also have to take people along.
And at some point, the real work becomes about people:
How you lead them
How you respond and react when things don’t go your way. What people trigger in you. What judgments arise. And what all of this reveals about you.
Even in relatively less emotionally charged environments like work, people will help show you parts of yourself:
Your insecurities, your shadow sides, old baggage you may still carry, places you thought were healed, but aren’t.
If you can observe all of this and continue doing the work, there’s nothing like it.
But even more important than “doing the work”is becoming aware.
And then, accepting what you see.
Not dismissing it. Not blaming others. Not telling yourself “this isn’t me.”
Even if you don’t yet have the intention to change certain parts of yourself…
Acknowledging them is enough.
“Know thyself, and to thine own self be true.”
Invitation
Think of 2–3 people in your life who trigger you (even if mildly).
And reflect:
What do your reactions around them say about you?
What, if anything, would you like to do about it?
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